honey624's Blog

Life is continuing to go through periods of good to uneasyness to well what is. What is is and what was is of course was. I do not fully understand how life can be so miserable for many while others seem to have it made really. I went through periods of trouble to periods of nothing. I went through periods of who is on your side and who is not. My life has been on the most part pretty good. Not to really complain and not to be that difficult to fully come to terms with.

Kind of finding out what can be done to really understand life. I like to watch if possible the birth of animals. They are fighting for life from the day they are born to the day they die.. Yep they have life as well. Our domesticated critters have it pretty good. They have more than those of the wild. I look and think wow what if I was in this positio0n. What would I do to be more content? If life is so great why do people want to go out and commit suicide? Good if it can be explained and understood. I tried it and survived. I tried a few years back and then well who knows what to expect. My parent well did not care and at times was totally scared for my own life from her. She was just plain hmmm....

Kind of puzzlement really. Not sure about what to expect or how to really understand life. Life is how we see it. I look at plants as they are part of life. They just sit there look beautiful while attracting insects to come in and visit. A few might just do nothing and hope others will notice. I notice that plants just are great. Flowers are beautiful, fragrent and love to see them. Like to notice what is there.

In life I went through strides of well what will be will be and then had my scary moments. In real terms it was just there or part of me. I remember being beaten up as a kid. My mom at once time watched through the window along with my sibs as this tough guy did me in. She seemed to be enjoying it and I was just so scared could not fully defend myself really. I wondered why in the hell she let this take place and then knew deep down she just hated me while in some ways the feelings were mutual. Had times when it was miserable.

My caregiver would send me off to summer camp for 7 weeks. Remember the name as well Camp Wing which was down on Cape Cod. My sibs most likely hated this as I was going away and not them. When returned back to my domicile given the cold shoulder. Think this was not that great while over the years was put aside and none wanted anything to do with me. It was just really difficult. Later in life was dianosed with some medical problems. The care giver did not seem that interested thus knew she was not good. My sibs well even today give me the bum steer.

I look at life in different ways and observe families here in China where I live and work. Very close in many ways and true some are not. Families in small villages do more while in the cities difficult to say really.


My mood: a bit amazed

The world is huge as we really do understand it. It is full of unknowns and the unknowns help make what we are or maybe much less who does care. Traveling around the states as we did as kids was an awesome experience. I do remember it some while we as kids had no direct idea as to what was in the minds of those who were in charge. It was thought well we are moving for some reason and just have to do it with no gripes. Packed tgight into an old jalopy off we went. No books or games as we just sat in there while the car moved forward.

After we got to our destination just dwelled in a place and did begin our life in a new place. School was in order. Had to attend while thinking this is a good way to get away and meet more people plus learning. Hey thge one speaking is cute and fell in love. First grade was the start of the educational process that will last 12 years then off we go into the unknown world to us. Learned a few things while attending but at that time no computers or anything really fancy really. Fine with thhis person.

As i was finishing my educational process had to decide what to do in this world. needed to know where I'll live or work. If I wanted to travel and see the land again. Yep just had to make a decision. Then packed a suitcase hop on a greyhound and headed down the highway. Stop here take a break and see what is there. If I liked it maybe will remain work and make money. After I get the urge to do it again  off I go. It was not until I reached the ripe old age of 38 did it dawned on me to retuirn back to more educational pursuits and get my BA. Once this is done open up and explore the universe. I heard that many countries want English teachers to teach oral english and you can live in a contry and enjoy more of life. Sounds good to me so looked into this area thus have been here in Asia since 1992. Kind of enjoy it.

Once here in China have a nice place to live and the students are outstanding. Can travel around the land to explore more of the country. Cities that interest me inclide Xi'an, Kaifengt, Anyang, beijing, harbin and the list gets bigger. Each city is in itself great and more to investigate. The people are all warm and happy to see you. They will help you if they can and the kids are full of questions.

experience is what life is all about from what was told me many years ago. You learn or hope to learn from lifes experiences and then move on and move on. As a kid growing up in a mixed household of non verbal and less than understanding siblings it was just pure hell.Many times sat alone and none of those around me would come over sit down and talk. It seemed that it was like I was the black sheep of the family. I was sent to camp for the summer and no one sentme a note although I did to them. It seemed thatwhen I came home they were less interested in what i did at camp but then felt like an outsider really. Of course there were adjustment problems and problems in dealing with a person who had little care much less interest in what her son was thinking or doing. I just did my best while trying to9 go with the flow. I often thought was this really life and how it would be. I had a neighbor who was great. She was kind and thoughtful as well. Today sort of forgot her name but she came to mind at times.

As kids growing up as mentioned before in other writings we were poor. Not much to show for ourselves and yet at times of course would wonder if we would really survive.  Survival was for animals as we learned but for us it was exisstence and doing what we can to do just that exist. Animals had a better life I thought but never really thought much about what was and whyat is and ten what do we receive for what we did. I did ot fully comprehend the emotional aspects of having good experiences let alone knowing that in my clan it was just a matter of what was there and how life will be. In middle school my peers today would be classified as simple morons with little regard to what we have but then feel hey they to might be going through some sort of difficulty and the only waqy for them to get out their frustration was to lick the crap out of me. What kind of life was this or what kind of real experience is this anyway. The caregiver did little in effect to do much but I learned to accept it and be on my own. At times thought of doing away with myself but tried only to be laughed at and told it was not right to do something like this.My teachers tried to help or talk with me. My sibs did not seem to care thus it just went on and on.

As a teen life began to change some. Learned that this universe is vast with many people. People all over the world have about the same kinds of problems. The only thing is they live in another land and have to deal with things in ther way. Learning that life is hard not only for me but for them as well. They have a life and they need to do what they can in order to survive as well. The only thing might be is wars and unrest. Wars give nothing but destruction and unhappiness plus the thought that one might perish because some idiot thinks that wars are really good. No in fact they are dangerous and no one will win plus no one will loose.Man himself will end up on the bad side of things. To me maybe if I could do one good thing in this world it might make one person happy. Then learned from life by being kind to others and saying something good to one will make life more understandable and then we just might understand each other.

In my early 20's well what a mess.Life was changing and still had not much to account for whatI did have or did not. I had to deal with life in my own way and try and be more open.I was also a mean and unpredictable individual who said what I thought and did not fully care what I did say. Took some hard work but after a time changed and began to be a nicer individual really. Thought that life had some meaning. My relationship with the caregiver went south and we each became very distant. I could not trust her then likie I did when living in her domain as a kid. She was just not that a nice person. I learned she hated me from day one and so felt hey this is life and we all have to discover our own ways in dealing with things. Not much contact with her but when she passed on felt no remorse much less even sad. It was just that and knew this is life. So we  just go on.

Life is full of many unknowns as we really come to understand. For me the unknowns began when growing up as a kid in an environment which was unpredictable. Those who were supposed to care, guide and do many things for their charges did nothing more than put food on the table and made us feel like low life. It gave me the opportunity to think about what they were doing. In some ways they just did not care. It gave me the understanding that life is how we ourselves develop. I had to experienence many differernt situations in which life just did not seem that fair to me. I wanted to escape and do something to get the attention of those who were supposed to care but out of fear just did not complete this. Life was just that and at times were more scared of being in that home than a bull is with a butcher. Very unusual but then what is was.

Life had taken a nasty turn back when growing up. The main leader as I called him did little to educate us much less give us moral support. His temper was horrible. Violent was not that good of word. Could only hope that what we said did not tick him off or made him want to pound the crap out of us. I do remember getting beat so bad that black and blue marks were very evident and yet not much was done to correct this situation. It did not worry me but the other one had a vicious temper as well and just liked to kick the crap out of us. We did manage to survive but the cops were not informed and the school well did nothing.

Good experience for the future. Decided that it was not worth the trouble in beatinbg the kid and yet if we did today will end up in the slammer for a long period. Not worth it. Not worth the trouble really and yet feel it was just plain miserable growing up. When we all reached the ripe age of 18 and out of school the dorr was opened and told to take a powder and please give me the keys. Good luck to you and of course you might learn more by being out on your own. Life is an experienhce as we were informed and do your best.

My mood: a bit cheerful

China one of the oldest civilizations on this planet. One with thousands of years of history, growth and a huge population. Crowded cities in some areas yet other areas are great as well. Kind of mysterious land with many ethnic people. To be exact 56 with the Han being the largest. Have been here along time and have experienced many different things. Weddings are great to attend with their huge banquets. The couple changes clothes several times along with lots of noisy firecrackers in which it might bring them much happiness and good luck. I have not as yet experienced being to a funeral and most likely will not. They too are noisy hoping the ghosts of the deceased will leave and not bother the family.

During major holidays it is greatto sit back and relax. People head to their hometowns to visit family. Trains, buses are jammed packed. The strange thing is they do not make plans. They all seem totravel at once but not leaving a few days before. It is hard at times to get tickets for the tains or buses. On the trfains one might have to stand for a long time. I did this once but a nice guy got up and gave me his seat. This was a nice gesture on his part. On buses no one standing. They are pretty comfortable and on some you might get a little service where one can purchase cold drinks, some food and maybe a few other snacks. My experience on the train was great. They do have a dining car where the food is good. I bring a list of foods that I eat with me in Chinese and point to bit. They give a big smile and of course the food is great. Eating on the train is nice and one might get a vistor. A few times i have seen another fore4igner and they sit with me. An opportrunity to express ourselves as to how we have enjoyed the trtip or where we are heading. A few times the workers do speak English. Once a policeman did speak to me. He revealed that his son was studying English and needs to learn some in order to converse with him. Nice I thought. Other times just sit in my car or sleeper room and watch the countryside pass by.

Here in Zhengzhou not much to really see nor are there any historic places of interest. Nearby though we have the Yellow River which is long and dirty. It gives the impression that this was a might place years ago to travel on. nearby is Kaifeng one of the okldest cities plus one of the earlier capitals. A few old places still remain. I was there and did see a movie being filmed. I was close enough tyo hear the actors and see what they were doing. They did a wonderful job. After they completed what they had to do went on theri way. A chance to see people dressed up in clothes from the Qing period. Actually really enjoyed walking around the old place. Not many tourist at this time but enough time to really appreciate what there is to really see. To me this is better than just sitting home doing nothing.


od: a bit busy

Living in China as I have for a number of years have come to enjoy the many holidays the Chinese have. The biggest one is the lunar new year. No doubt the busiest and one filled with many surprises if by chance you are here. I have been here since 1992 so have experienced them. They are noisy especially the evening of the holiday. Fireworks shot off with hordes of firecrackers going off for long periods of time. Here where I live well yep so much and the air does give off a smell of the gunpowder. Then again it is there way of celebrating the new year.

My experience has been truely remarkable. My neighbors are great and have been invited to their home. If this happens it is wonderful. It gives you a good understanding of how life is for other people. I have been invited several times to homes and enjoy each one tremendously. They open their arms and greet you with warmth. My little neighbor always comes here to my hoe and have been to hers a few times. Being an only child there is the sense she is a bit spoiled but also she knows she is loved as well. Her parents always welcome me and feel good about going to her home. If you do have this chance bring a small gift. Usually some fruit will be good. Her mom is agreat cook and likes to make sure you have had enough to eat. Sit down to a table filled with plates of all kinds of dishes. Some might be spicy so be careful.

This is the year of the rabbit. From my findings it is a great and gentle creature. It is a time for those to understand how the year will be. Most likely it will be a great year filled with new things to understand. Good year to get married, have a baby or purchase a new home. After understanding how life is here youwill find that in any year most of the animals are about the same and no big diference. I do not fully believe all the things people tell me about what I should or not do but take it with a grain of salt. I am single and will remain this way so will just take each day as it comes and be open. Will just be quiet and know that maybe the rabbit is watching.

Interesting is what I thought when I visited Xi'an China. One of the oldest cities and very early civilizations in this country. The city is known for the Qin Dynasty and of course the Terra Cotta Warriors which were buried and forgotten about till some farmers were digging for water and discovered this amazing find. Interesting in that it survived. My experience in going there has been anywhere from awe to amazement. My experience in seeing these magnificent statutes is wondrful. I have found the men were built to last. Of course over time a few have been broken which is of course normal but also acceptable since they are so old. No face is the same thus realize it might be they copied the people who dwelled there at this time.

My experience in seeing the Great Wall is one of great craftsmanship. Built to last and keep out those who are not wanted remains wonderful. It is huge and stretches for miles going over mountains and plains and everything in between. Many areas are still standing while others have just faded away. Those who died building it were buried right along the wall. I have thought about it while making visits there. My experience in walking along the wall gives me the opportunity to ponder what they were thinking about or how theyactually created this. What form of machines if any did they use.

My experience in living here is great while realizing this is a land full of mystery still plus developing. They are great at many things. In many cities they are very modern while if one explores you can find the old hidden but then once discovered gives you the chance to understand life is just wonderful. My mood: a bit awake

Life is how we decide to make it. Life begins actually when we are formed inside the womb but when we as new arrivals to this cruel universe we know nothing and have to accept what we are given. In my case received very little thus my experience in life has been well do what you can, be what you can and trust those who you think can of course help you. If not then we are all out of luck. Out of luck and hope that we can go on for something better. As a kid my care giver had little intentions of doing much for her large brood. We had to fend for ourselves and fight for what we wanted. She really never did love us and thus what I did have was nothing more than the clothes which were given me and not much more.

Life is how I made it and make what I could. I do know it was more difficult but also knew there might be something more. I was abused and told no one for fear. I was scared and yet knew who would really believe me. To me this was part of life as a kid. Knew it might be wrong but who could I tell and who would believe me. All through my life kept this a deep secret until today. When working was abused by others but also a few just disliked me while not understanding the real meaning of why has life been this way.

Used to live in a small town in Iowa. There was a creep who made my life miserable while talking to the local cop who had the brains of a rat did not but smile and told me to live with it. He was a stalker but never did any serious harm to me. I had to work with him and the foreman was his friend as well as mine. I learned that life is  a small town was basically really the pits but who in theor right mind wants to be in the pits. I hated this town and finally after divorcing decided to move on and stay away from this place. Never did go back and never will. This is life to me.Life there was an experience while knowingthat I was not part of the town since iwas not born there and if I was maybe I would of been accepted more. Got hurtt badly and no one wanted to help or even cared. I was removed from the church records since I divorced one of their own and thought was this life really. The leaders of the church thought it wa snot right and of course I thought is this life? Thus who cares?

My mood: a bit amazed

A new year is here so to you all may I wish you  a great and happy new year. Experience has showed me that each year we try to do the same things and maybe never do accomplish what we wanted by the end of the year. My time here on this universe has been well just okay with nothing that great. Yeah really well no. I was once married that ended in divorce after 11 years. It was pure hell while she was really interested in having me eliminated but did survive. In the end after the termination of our union felt some relief but then went home and cried for 4 days. This was in 1990 and have not seen her since nor have talked at all. She wanted it this way so hey life can be better if given the chance.

This year seems to be great. Was awarded the best foreign teacher here at the university where I teach oral English. China has been my new home thus have loved being here tremendously. The people are wonderful. So the new year is of course great. Was always interested in the new year knowingthat it was the start of something new but did not fully expect much from it. As a kid made the usual weirdo plans for the coming year. A few did work out while a few well were just passing in the wind.

The new year might give all humanity hope for something and maybe peace. Peace is all we look forward to where evil humanoids go out to destroy what little others have or even terminate their existence. Is this right? Is this a cause to look forward to while not knowing what they do or if they really do have any concern for life. I never did like war and thought it was a waste of time, money and causes so much pain. Then many innocent might be left with nothing or become orphan with no hope. Is this a good way to start off a new year.

For the new year why not do something nice just for the pleasure of doing it. Give a smile when you are out or give a nice greeting. Takes only a few seconds and might change your prespective on life.Here in China where I work teach my students this and they inturn go out and say something great. get a warm greeting while heading to class. A nice smile on the bus or even a thank you when I shop. I have students come here for dinner every night. A few like to cook so tell them thanks or give them more encouragement which is great. In return receive a nice smile in return. Works so try it.

My mood: a bit cranky

Hello and wishing you the reader a pleasant and joyful Merry Christmas. To me it is either sad or happy but still it is a holiday. I am not afraid to admit it but when I was kicked out of my home at 18 the provider just informed to to leave and never return. If I did want to come home for the holiday leave a $50 for food. Yeah and this was  a huge amount of money at that time. No thanks will remain away and yet she never did get me a gift. Never in my life after departing did she or my siblings wanted to do anything. I felt left out and depressed. It was difficult when I was married and she never did anything for us thus it became a major problem and we ended up terminating the relationship. Sad but life it seems for me had nothing but sad memories and just not that great. I gave and never received. I did give my trust and care  while it came back in the same way.

Christmas here in Zhengzhou China where I live and work is pretty good. Many stores have some form of decorations and songs. My students have sang a few songs but no decorations in class. The stores do have and a few Christmas trees are seen. They do have many things for this holiday up and gives me a chance to reflect back when I was a kid. As a kid my holiday was bleak but we were poorer than a church mouse. We did survive and had a few good times. We did receive food baskets which were nice but the provider again hated it. She thought it was not good to receive something like this. Sad for her as she just could not really cope with the reality of life and how life is so precious.

I do like being here and the holidays are fun. It is really good to see how other people see this holiday. Many kids wish me a happy holiday while giving a big smile. It is good to have someone give me great wishes. I love it really. Makes me feel good. Have been in S Korea one year for Christmas and they celebrate it it as well. Again the stores are packed with things for the holiday. Gives me the opportunity to see how they deal with it. Music is great and nice to hear familiar songs sung in their language. Gives me more insight into how others in the world deal with holidays.
My mood: a bit hopeful

Life is full of surprises. We all experience some form of new experience at times. In many ways we experience life as we grow up and pass through those stages we go through. from my experience as a kid had strange experiences with those around me and yet did not know just who to really trust. I hated my caregiver as she was a total waste of my time it seemed. She hated her brood of 7 while just doing the bare needed forms of giving. We really never did have any form of good conversations in order to understand more about life. My big surprise was when she put me into a mental institution as an 11 year old. She thought I was unstable and even after all these years as I look back think she really hated the site of me. I just sat in a waiting room and she never said a word. No tears in her eyes and a blank stare. I did cry and when they took me away felt wow what is going on.

As I remained there for a period of time felt that in the coming years will grow even more distant and found that it was not in my best interest to really be close to her. It was thought that I was the black sheep and no one cared. Yeah this was a surprise. Then after a period of time knew deep inside it was how life will be simply put empty. Then as time began to pass realized hey this is life.

I came up with a few things to think about and then just went on my way. Then again when my age of being a late teen life again changed and was shown the door. She punched me in the face just for the kick of it yelling at me and telling me never to return again. Oh yeah you can but drop off a 50 to pay for the food. Hmm is this life?

My mood: a bit cheerful

Holidays are to me a royal pain where the sun seldom shines. During my life span have found it totally disgusting and yet just there. As we kids were growing up we had very little but yet in some magical way survived. Food baskets came and we found this extremely great although my car giver had much diffrent ideas. It was never fully revealed to us in how she thought or what was on her mind. Her main thougts were hey you guys are getting up there in age and when 18 you go and good bye. Do not bother coming back and if so drop off a 50 to help in the cost of getting food to put on the table. Yeah but to me no thanks as it was disgusting in how she reacted to her brood. It was something that well in time gave me the opportunity to stay clear.

Thanksgiving is a time for family and friends to join together and be happy. A time to reflect on what took place during the past year. A chance to enjoy some great food and to enjoy life more fully if at all possible. Turkey is always welcome along with pumpkin pie. I was alone most of the time. At one time married but was dictated to and demands were put on me to conform to her wishes and to her mothers. It was really sad and felt so out of place. I hated this and after 10 years took the best possible means and split. Went my own way and the same for her. I was delighted in the end while coming to the realization that well life will go on and be more pleasant in some ways. I hated the holidays with her and felt bad. Even though we were married she was more married to her old lady than me putting her first. In the end gave her the ultimate. It was clear what road she will take but for me it was the end. Felt good about it but still find even today I am all alone.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are times for family. So for me this is a time to still reflect but the past memories are scary. I would like to give more and hope that you this reader will enjoy a time of great pleasure and have fun. Have some of that great bird or other great delicious meats. Have some pie and maybe think back to the early days of the land where the settlers had it more difficult in dealing with life than we do today. It might open our minds and give us the satisfaction that today life is much more easier. I live and work in China and of course the holiday is not celebrated. But do talk about it in class. have a great day.

Over the past few months have thought about the past again and trying to remember what was done, where I went and how it might of affected me in my life. Much has affected me but put it back in my mind thus might feel bad about it. What has made me how i feel dates back to growing up and having a care giver who just did not show any form of love let alone wanting to really care. She was horrible and had learned not to trust anyone. Then again have so it is a toss up.

I do remember my summers as a kid. Was shipped off to summer camp for 7 weeks I believe. Hey, learned how to swim and loved it. Learned how to interact with other boys while learning that having fun is part of life. Camping out and sleep under the night skies was great. Making a small camp fire and cook a bit of grub was good and knew that hey man long ago did the same thing. It gave me the idea that hey this is how man lived but in our society we do not always do this. Learned that if we wanted to survive we had to hunt and gather thus we begin to survive. For that I do remember life has changed. Life then was not as complicated as it is today but then what do we have today we did not have yesterday.

Remember leavinghome and my caregiver just did not fully care. She wanted us kids out of her domain as soon as we reached a certain age and do not bother coming home. It was scary at times but that was then and today is the present. Remember thatat times had not much money while wondering how toreally survive but seemed to manage in some mystical way. Then again just took one day at a time doing what I can and then hoping. That was the way it did go. I guess we all go through life in some ways about the same. I trust that in time the future humanoids in this uncertain world will find things different than before. I guess it is just part of how we live. Remembering what was is just that.

my mood: a bit awake

I often wonder about things and then put it  off. Growing up as mentioned  in previous writings was totally miserable yet it seems that I have made it through. My family never did give a crap let alone wanted to help in any way possible. The care giver was one heck of a "pain in the neck." She hated us all while showing different means to each individual offspring under her rule. It was "unpleasant" in her house. We all seemed to survive but how we did is still a mystery. Growing up meant no "old man" in the house. He was gone with the wind while no one really seemed to care or knew just where he disappeared to. It was better in my thinking since his temper was horrible and he loved to beat  the crap out of us kids. I never did see him touch the other leader of the pact. He might of been afraid of what she just might undertake but we still were more fearful of her than of him. As time went on it did not mean much of not having him around yet it was her that we were more fearful of. Our peers did not reveal much as to how they preceived her but just kept more or less quiet. I did not say much in front of her when they were with me as she had a bad temper.

As time passed on it was clear that we were just part of an unwanted kid who was here on the planet till 18 then told to remove our bodies from her place and be on our own. Once this was completed it was clear to us we were on our own and do what you want to do and be happy with what you have. I had a few rough times and she was just not there for me at all. I wondered why would a parent undertake such drastic measures to her offspring. Wondered just how may people in this universe went through the same thing. I knew families that were so close it was really sick. It was a wonderment in understanding how people can be this way and yet did not have the heart to fully ask just why. It was a wonderment that we all survived. At one point I tried to end my life as it seemed life was not really worth living. I am a survivor still. She did not seem to care took me to the hospital and went home in a few days. Never really asking me how i felt or what was bothering me.

As time moved on in life wondered why things happen the way they do and what is it that make people do what they do. Why was it me who did what I did and where will it take me. I wondered if at all will I be more happy or less inclined to see what life really remains. It was clear that hey life is what life is and we just need not wonder more about it. I wonder if life is really that good or really worth living. I see other people and wonder if they are really happy while thinking what are they happy about? No it is not that interesting in some ways just to go up and ask but just do what we all have to do.Wonder what if it was possible that life will come to an abrupt end and who will actually care.
My mood: a bit amazed